Moments..Unlimited

A rushed up morning, with vague remembrance of my unfinished dream, painfully swollen eyes which urge to hit back the bed and chilly morning dew on the window pane. A quick bath and refreshment, and papers,files, laptop, charger, pens, notes, keys and snacks all to be packed and ready to go in the new look. Not to forget the dose of energy charger for the day - my Coffee! A quick drop off at the place and a dozen things in hand... I run to the second floor of the building and wait to be noticed. After an unending long 30 minutes, I get to meet the person I am waiting for and can feel the butterflies in my stomach. I get into the office- unpack my stuff, and start... 60 long minutes and I get a mixed review of what took me 48 hours to prepare.
I brush up the negatives and patch it up well and arrange the stuff to make it appear good. Snacks were microwaved and all set to be served and Coffee brought in the last minute from a helping hand filled the room with its strong aroma. A tiny sweat and more of papers in front of me- letters literally started dancing in the air and then- all of a sudden, the mind goes ............. blank!
Nothing got registered and and I plug in all the electronic equipment.. People walked in.. grabbed some of the snacks- good reviews of how well the snacks tasted and -one, two and three... doors closed, lights off and start!
I am going to present on the topic bio-hydrogen from........ ..... ...... ...... ..... .... ....
25 minutes later- Thank you- lights on and the real fun starts. One round after another, and finally after 3 full rounds of questions i step out of the room. 8 long minutes filled with prayer, a walk in the corridor and then an old man walks out of the room and puts his hand forward - CONGRATULATIONS, you have successfully completed your masters.
A few hand shakes and smiles.. a few signatures and paper work and its all over!
Nothing struck me for 10 minutes. Its all over. 3 years of hard work done which was recognized in just 2 hours. Slowly the butterflies started dancing.. and I got back to my self. Yayyyyyyy I graduated!
My first credible success so far. It took a couple of minutes to start actually feeling it and by the time i walked half way through i almost flew in the air and was dancing in the middle of the road. Immediate calls to my dearest hubby and all my loved ones and a series of wishes and loving hugs... I cannot ask for more. I was never as happy as this day for my success.
In my heart of my hearts, I was acknowledging and thanking all of them who have helped me reaching this phase and the list kept increasing with each passing minute.
Moments! The skies started showering too by the evening and I got all the heavenly blessings my way!
I graduated today.

Feelings are dancing like butterflies in the air!!

Love ... Life...


It has been more than an year since I posted on my Feelings. Well it took a lot of time to actually feel you know!
There have been so many changes in life that it is no more identifiable. Change. It often happens.At times its unnoticeable and at times it makes a huge difference to our lives. Something similar happened to me in the past one year too.

I have been to India, after an year and a half of my Masters and staying here ,the last December and enjoyed being there and spending time with my parents and sister for the New years. Had a blast! Another interesting event which took place last year was that I crossed the 25th milestone of my life and hence the sudden wake up call for the parents that the girl has to be married! Then started the match fixing and I had to say yes to the first match I saw.( Nothing wrong with the guy! Just that I could have married after my masters.) Sudden calls- meeting a couple times- and there I go! I was booking my tickets to India again in just a months time. I went back home in early March and came as a new bride back to States.
All the changes happened so fast that, now I look back and I feel as if I had a new year party with my family just yesterday and now I am here all alone trying to finish up my masters all alone for this new years.

There were some sad moments while parting from my loved ones.That last glimpse of the ones I loved, my family, my sister, my Kozy- very emotional sendoff. Few of them I guess I can never meet again. I came back to hear a sad news that my Kozy in no more.Though I knew it is going to happen soon, the news hit me hard. A new life. A new person.Its different.It so damn different and weird initially to get up with someone totally unknown to you. It took me real good time to accept the Change! I am still getting used to it though!

A new friends circle. A little less communication with my old friends and JOSH.Lost touch with a few others. It became a new world and a new beginning I could say. Amidst all this new phase arising in my life, my masters project is set aside and now I am trying to catch up and finish it soon. Priorities changed a lot.

I used to have a huge connection with regard to traveling in my yester-years. I have very fond memories of my childhood bi-cycle(bsa-slr), then a black sunny, then a honda activa and then a few trips on my dad's ford. The engineering college bus trips, the regular howrah mail travel from chennai to vizag during semester breaks, the rare flight journeys using my dad's airline points. I just loved traveling. My wildest dream would be me driving a racing car! After marriage and me still studying and my husband being in a different place, Amtrak was of so much help.( trains... tracks and me have a great connection i feel!) I traveled so much that i started hating trains. Then we got a car for just three months and I drove so much that the word car makes me crawl and hide under my bed. I drove thousands of miles. I loved traveling, but I would not want to do it so much that I start hating it. I wish I would rather have a fun trip than anything else.
Things have shaped me to be a more mellowed, reserved and even boring person!
I wish I bounce back. Hard and with a bang!
Here I am, trying hard to motivate my self to have a better career, live up to my own standards, and enjoy each and every passing day and to welcome a new year, a new life and a new beginning. Hope this new year brings in more peace and safety and a better world to live in.
Welcoming the new beginning and waving bye to year which gave me love ,memories and a new life.
An unforgettable 2008.
Promising to post more often.

Feelings are fickle and keep swinging!

i love him..

I left him... i used to wake up with him.... i used to speak to him all day...he was my only friend when i had no one to share... we fought playfully... i missed him.. i miss him... i feel cozier when ever i get the frame of him in my mind.. kozy.

i remember the day when my dad first brought him home. that evening i liked the look of this naughty little hero but was afraid of him. i din go near him and kept moving away and he din like me either.. he ran behind me and i kept running around my house for almost 20 mins and i was tired but this one month kiddy seams to show no signs of giving up... i used my little brain and got on top of the bed and he tried endlessly to catch up with me.. that day he hated me first.i was reluctant to go near him... used to call him from a distance...though admired his little naughty stuff, i maintained a distance... slowly i started liking him...went near him.. started to cuddle him around... and then he started to like me too.. i played with him.... i never thought he liked me as much as he liked my sister and dad... one day my dad bought a nice red belt and i came home from school he came running towards the gate showed me the belt wiht so much of joy and happiness.. and then i started understanding his gestures... kept speaking to him daily so much that he started understanding every bit of what we speak...
well he used to run and tell my mom when ever i was in pain... when ever i fell down on the road and started bleeding... we used to play together...
then one day i left suddenly for my studies...and i used to come home once in 4 months... i was royally welcomed and was missed but that attachment with him was kinda fading...i used to have a special whistling tune with which i used to call him and he used to run and hug me... i had memorable moments with him... but then after my bachelors... i stayed back home for some time and then i had none to speak to or share excepting him... i used to speak to him endlessly and he used to listen ... one summer afternoon... i saw him bleeding from his nose... i thought it was soemthing normal... did some first aid stuff... took him to the doctor... he was ok for a while... the next day he started bleeding tooo much... he bleeded so much that i had so much blood on my dress, when i was taking him to the doctor... my brother who was a vet saw him... my driver was helping so much... i was horrified to see him like that... he was bleeding in pain...i thought i would never see him play again... tears started rolling ... the doctor who was treating him was a sick idiot... who treated him for some crap disease which he didnt even have... he was just sufferring from severe fever and was bleeding bcause of that... it took him 4 days to become normal... but i saw him bleed like hell... he became so close to me in one week that if i close my eyes, i wud see him gently hugging me in pain... with his tear filled eyes... i always wanted to take him to beach and show him how it looks like.. but could never...he was so attached to me that he never left my side... my wistle would just make him run towards the gate....
i left my home.. i came so far that i can now just whistle over the phone and know what? when ever i whistle over the phone- he just runs to the gate to see if i am there! the feeling itself makes me feel so warm.. so cozy!
i wish i wake up with him... i wish i just liedown and when i wake up i see him licking my forehead...i love him...i miss him.
I just want to see him again...just once.
i love him. Kozy- my darling.

feelings are "kozy"...!!

Night in the apartment...


ooohh.. hi there... well, had some crazy incidents happen at my place yday and hence this post...

i had a little hectic day yday and so came home in the evening and dozed off reading veronica decides to die in the sofa... after almost an hour, woke up for a calling bell...with my half sleepy eyes, i opened the door and saw a woman standing with a semi-quizzical face..something told me not to open the door fully and so i asked her" what can i do for u" and
she says- do u have a problem?
me- ( eh? what problem??) i am sorry,i dint follow,
she- i stay in the apartment below... we heard someone walking yday midnight in the hall for almost one hour and woke up for the noise...i came to inquire if everything is ok... actually i wanted to complain.. evryone woke up for the noise..
me- (half not understanding what to say..and half thinking that it might be a prank by someone i knew...) trying not to spoil the show,
i said..i am sorry i slept at 10 itself..i dont know what ur speaking about..( i havent seen her before in my block)
she- please call ur roomies..i want to spk to them..
me-( about what?) my roomies are not at home( y did i say that?) i am staying alone..
she- u stay alone..?
me- right now..yes..
she- we couldnt sleep yday... we heard someone walking past the hall for one hour from 2-3am...
me- i am really sorry..but i slept early and i have no clue what u r spking about...
she- expressionless face... ohh ok.. sorry..bye..
me-(now totally awake) closed the door and double checked it if it is fully closed...
well i laughed for a while and the issue drifted off from my head as i was a little hungry....
finished my dinner and started calling india( airtel is handy yaar...!) and casually mentioned about my new guest from downstairs to my apartment... and was royally teased for a while.. and one of them says " when u have so much company in ur apartment..y do u say u are alone and are getting bored..."
well this particular sentence kept ringing in my mind for a long time... i switched off the tv and suddenly the whole room was silent... i had a strange feeling in my stomach.... felt a little uneasy and switched on the tv again( i accidentally changed the channels) and saw a blank channel...
was taken aback... looked around if i really had some company...
slowly settled in the sofa,with my feet up and hugging two pillows tightly....
well to gather some strength to walk till my bedroom, called up my mom but cudnt tell her that i was so brave...so spoke for a few minutes and then hung up...
breathed heavily, and locked all the doors and lit all possible lights and slowly walked till the bedroom... with so many butterflies in the stomach, i thought i will go wash my face and freshen up....in the ten second walk till the restroom, i had innumberable questions popping up in my mind....what if i wash my face and look up and see the mirror and find some one else instead of my face?!! what if some one closes the door from outside? what if something pops up from the bath tub? what if therez no water coming from the tap??what if someone else sleeps on my bed before i go back to my room? before i could reach the bathroom door, i changed my idea... well i am looking fresh enuf... who the hell is going to come and see my glamour at 1230 midnight ah?
thought of listening to some music so that( my company doesnt get bored??!! i dont know y i thought of it) there will be some good air around and switched on the mp3 player which is connected to the speakers...five minutes passed and the song stopped abruptly...! then started the real tension... (with biting cold outside and my heater not switched on) i still started to feel tiny sweat on my forehead...the heater switch lies right beside the door and my bedroom door is not locked! so grabbed some strength to go switch on the heater...i almost ran till the door to lock it and switched on the heater and pulled the phone in my room closer to my bed... nine one one shud be handy.... then i started thinking, what if something happens and i call the police, how will the police come in?( intelligent right?!!)( then i was laughing in the middle of all this tension ,that ,my so called companion wud open!! big deal yaar.. cant she do this little favour to me??!)..... i left my veronica decides to die on the sofa....i left the water jug also in the hall... cudnt dare go till the hall( if i wud have gone that lady wud definitely come today again and said someone is running yday night!) so tried very hard to sleep with the bright closet light flashing on my face... finally dozed off( god knows when...) and woke up almost in the afternoon... with so much of bright light and bravery,i switched on the mp3 player to check why it wasnt playing....and then realized... the rechargable battery in it has no charge!!
had a hearty laugh.... and then started my day... well yday night i cudnt sleep out of fear..and today dint sleep to upload this post..
well, my friendly companion wants to do the spelling check.. so over to her!!

Feelings are weird...filled with scary illusions..!

Celebration…..

Was checking some forwards a couple of weeks ago and I read an interesting forward of what celebration means.. I started thinking what celebration meant to me…and here is the result… celebrating some happy moments...
Celebration means having your time for yourself….
Celebration means the long walks on a bright day..
Spending hours together with ur best buddies in a coffee shop…
Finding some old letters when you are busily searching for some important papers in your rack…
Finding your unposted letters to your mom during ur hostel days and giggling about the stupid stuff u have scribbled in it…
Chatting in google with an old friend…
Having some good reliance and airtel offers to call home….
Recollecting those old sleepless nights with phone conversations (thanks to hutch!) and feeling happy about it…
Sitting at different places of the world and having a video chat vth ur frenz….
Having an ice cream and watching the first snow!
Lazing the whole day on the couch and then cooking a feast for yourself….
Reading some old blogs…
Looking at some old photographs and reading the comments u have written across them…
Penning down a few lines to your dear ones and having the happiness in anticipating a letter….
Writing a few lines in ur dairy when u receive your first salary…
Saving your first few notes to show ur mom…
Several moments of celebration…
It was fun back home to spend some wonderful moments too….
Waking up for the first wake-up call—my pet’s lick!!
Waking up late on a festival day… walking straight up to the tv and watching it till we get royally and go take bath, after a series of serious bhashan,
Eat some good food… spend some fun time with family…
Hang around with ur frenz when therez is little or lots to celebrate….
Name a cause and just celebrate..let it be a cup of chai…or a plate of panipuri…just having ur time….
Meeting ur good old friend and rolling back those wonderful times together….
Shopping some little stuff to make colourful kolams…and not waking up early in the morning to help my sis draw the kolam-and finally be a critique on how good the kolam would have been if I were awake!!
Laughing happily for no reason…
Long walks in the evening and sharing some secrets with ur sis…
So many happy moments…so much in life to celebrate…. how and why you celebrate are our personal choices though…the circumstances may be different..u may be alone..but still u can have fun!
Well now I am celebrating with a small cup of coffee coz I posted something after a long time…
So have a rocking year…( I was supposed to post this on dec 31st..but cudnt…)keep celebrating..
Feelings are celebrating too!

Missing Tracks...

the deserted station...well not as bright as the photo..it was dark..
Well missing tracks? hmm.. got busy these days and lost track of my own blog!! that is one reason y i named it so.. and the others..let me describe my recent weekend..a trip to boston from rhode island...well i was planning to go to boston since a long time...but cudnt make it for various reasons best not known by me! and finally was invited for a 3rd time to visit my cousins place for diwali..so i was all set to go there...started to boston by bus..thanx to my roomies to drop me in the bus station...it was quite scary( the bus station ofcourse!)...so got in..and i was asked to get down in boston and stand near the McDonalds.. well after an hour of silent bus jorny,i got down and started to move out of the station and as soon as i came out i saw a McD's and stood there.. time was roling...but no clue of my cousin any way around...was dying of hunger so ate some fruit( i brought it from home..what a caring roomie to pack friut ah??!)...well after filling my small pot decently..i thought my cousin totally forgot to pick me up...later thought she was stuck in traffic...or she is unable to find me...and with so many things occupying my mind..i casually asked the Mcd's guy whether therez any other McD'd there...he replied therez one more but it is in the train station...not the bus! well after a seriuos thinking for a few minutes i moved reluctantly towards the other building but cudnt find my way out of the building... got some help from a police chap there..and i got the directions.. he offered me to accompany but i posed too much and said i will be all fine and went alone downstairs and then only realized it was so deserted and my jhansi rani style of posing was way too much... i finally got out to other station and there i go, i found my cousin waiting for me..and explained her that i came by bus and not by train! but it was a communication difference bcoz of the names there... well this confusion of names dint leave me here.... i will come to this later... well so went home.. slept well.. it was diwali day!! so the telephone was buzzing so many times.. wishes..wishes and so many wishes.. did some puja( not really!!) and then ate good food... went out for a long drive...only to see the left over fall colours...and saw three movies...spent a gr8 time bowling on diwali nite... had nice indian food too... and finally yday on sunday...started back to rhode island.. my cousin dropped me in the train station this time, as she had to go else where ( bought a ticket ofcourse..good to have such cousins rite??!!) and just asked me to stay there..see the platform number and then move...well i forgot to tell u.. i did groceries in the indian stores there...and I was carrying three plastic bags full of veggies and a small travel bag and a boyish hand bag too( i know..i always carry less! u cna chk my banglore phobia..i always carry less!!) and after a hour of waiting for my train.. i heard an announcement..440 train to kingston is on track 11... i waited for a few minutes to see the track number appear on the information board..but i thought it was loud and clear..so y waste my time standing there..i can as well confirm there and get in..( well i was having a conversation with a undergraduate girl there and she said "oh u study in rhodeisland... well i am in kingston..rhode island is a nice place!" i thought she is also to kinston..and as soon as the announcement was made.she left to the track 11..and obviously it took some time for me to reach there as i have little luggage..and i was so happy after i got in to the train that i am travelling by train for the first time and cud make it easily and I was so sure as i confirmed with the tc there that the train goes to kinston..and placed my luggage inside and sat happily... i realized what i did just after that,only when the tc came in to collect my ticket! i am in the wrong train! I missed the track!! well yes the train goes to kingston..but not the one in rhodeisland but the one in MA..!and it its kingston and not kinston!! so when i asked him whether it goes to kinston ..he replied yes it goes to kingston!! and i got in happily... now came my worst fears.. i had little money left in my purse( ya..how the hell will i know i will miss the track! not a good reasoning...but yes i shud have filled my purse decently..) then what?? he asked me to get down in the next stop.. take a train back to boston..and then catch something else to rhodeisland... he said it so easily.. after a few seconds of listening to him...the only thing i asked him was..how much do u think all that costs?!!! well he answered quite quizzically that they are not going to charge anything as it was just by a mistake but i have to go back to the counter and get my ticket changed... managed a satisfactory smile and thanked him..but i wasnt sure....later ( thanx to the tc guy)he came up and told me to get down and wait there so that another train will come right in 15mins and takes me to boston and i can catch the next train to RI which is only after 2 hrs... thanked him for the info and got down in the next station... 15 mins of silence!! the subway station is deserted..dark... and therez no clue where i am staying..! i was not afraid untill i found an old man walking towards me... well exactly..u r right i remembered dil chahta hai too!! only missing memeber there was amir khan! this man was drunk and he spoke something..i didnt understand one bit of it.. he said" people say i am mad..do u think so...? i have seen many platforms like this...deserted... i have been to many places in us... i was once rich..." and he went on...all I cud answer was jus to smile( out of fear?!.. i don know out of what..)those 9 minutes or so were very silent... i don know how many curses i cursed myself..few go to my cousin who did wait till i got into the train safely.. few for not having a mobile phone in hand.. few for my own wisdom... and few to the tc idiot who said it was kingston when i showed him my ticket... and for not chking the platform number and following that stupid undergrad girl..and what else.. wasa carrying my little luggage and was runing all over with that three hand bags full of veggies.. for all the running i did bcoz of my over intelligence..i was hungry.... and my brain was working so good that i dint realize i was carrying three hand bags full of food and that i can eat some biscuits or something from them...( intelligent!!) finally..came the train to boston..and i breathed heavily...and got in..reached boston without having to pay anything.and went to the ticketing counter to change my ticket and guess what the train which i actually have to take was delayed by an hour and dint leave the station at all !! lucky me?!( i don think so... after all the hungama that happened...) so i saw a long line of passengers waiting to go to kinston rhodeisland..and confirmed it a dozen times that i am standing in the right q and got into the right track! and ya thats the other reason for the title missing tracks!! and there goes me again to the platform with all the groceries...and just then i realized how much i shopped after carrying them to three different places all in one hand! and finally my roomies( who were wating in RI to pick me up) and cousin (who is waiting for my call that i reached safely) exchanged a few calls... and before they cud schold me or say something i explained that i cudnt make any outstation call as i don have a calling card and i cudnt call my cousin as i forgot her number!( i am very bad with numbers.. dont lecture me that i cud have written it down in a paper in case of emergency..! i thought i can call my roomies..but just realized i am not in the same town and i need a calling card to call an outstation number!.. u will know when u r lost and and out of experiences like this!! )( how many can "learn out of experiences" like me?!!) so finally reached home..tired... panting... describing my deserted station...and the old man...and mentioning i was hungry..just then i was told i wud have grabbed somethng from the food i bought! well the mind wasnt working till today morning...well its normal now..dont worry too much.. that was my first diwali in US and my first trip alone in this place....

Feelings were silently running along with the tracks!

My 9/11

Well i did took a long gap before i could start posting something in my blog..but i have my reasons... and most of u knew them ..so let me start with how i am doing...
well my journey to US of A was good..landed in frankfurt...amazing airport...could find my terminal easily... checked in..cudnt afford a coffee!( itz 4$) ( i heard coffee is too gud in frankfurt airport..)made frenz with a few desis in the q... spent a good time discussing about the life here in america... cudnt sleep much from frankfurt to boston... and guess what, i saw my chennai visa officer( not my tom cruize..another guy who usually takes finger prints in chennai consulate) sitting jus beside me.. half the journey,i was wondering where i saw him..and in the rest half, i dint want to go back,so dint dare say hi to him! i was recieved in boston... it was drizzling as soon as i got down.. good sign isnt it?! and then went around.. nice to have cousins who buy everything for u!! they spent so much on me... and i did take a few pictures..unfortunately cudnt upload... then ya..slept well for a day and then i was dropped in my univ..by the way univ of rhode island... popular enough... this place is a small village here but known for its fall colours and 100 beaches... happy to be always near the sea... lovely beaches,but i miss my bench and vizag beach like hell! the univ is big enough... i was lost and i am still being so, as i am forgetful when it comes to routes and numbers... so finally settled with a tamil couple(young couple! no no..i am not disturbing them much!) near my univ... jus a small walk and i will be in my department.. mingled well with them.. and i casually mentioned my birthday to them.. we do groceries once in a while..and as another family and few grad students were invited for dinner on 10th by us,we had to buy a few things for the kitchen and i was taken to the stores and suddenly to my surprise was asked to choose a cake among the numerous cakes put up there..! i was seriuosly surprised, and back home, we spent a great evening with the new people i met and when they got to know about my bday on 11th, they stayed back till 12am and i cut the cake( for the first time in my life!!) ..( with whom i had just a week of friendship..!) in minutes,my face is full of cake and a few clicks...and then tears rolled down my eyes... felt centi for a few mins... i dint expect so much...felt very happy.... made good frenz with them...had fun..they teased me royally...we saw movies on the weekends... i was taken to 2 beaches here... not as good as vizag beach....but clean one....i was also taken to one of my roomie's proffs house..a big house just beside the lake.. its jus awesome.. he took us for a ride and i clicked so many pics... unfortunately, i cudnt upload them...i may do it this weekend... and then regarding school,ya its good..if i get the funds it wud be tooooo good...nice campus... nice people... i am having fun.. assignments started..classes...appointments with proffs... on campus job hunt...resumes...groceries.. food... movies..it started to rain already.. getting colder.... my first winter here....i am kinda careful..and also excited...i went to the health services..and my doc in India forgot to write about tetnus injection..and i have to take tetnus booster here.. just 40$...i can have 40 tt injections in india for that sum! well its booster u know!? have to fix an appointent for that tetnus thing....
hey i am posting a few lines each day..and guess what i got an oncampus job yday!! tutoring undergrads..i have to teach math and chemistry... i dont know how far n how gud i will teach them.. but quite happy that i got a job... waiting for one more job... life is kind of taking too many turns and i guess its going to be good enuf.. got to c wats in store.. so nothing much in america...i din find anything fancy here...not till this moment atleast...fine thats my story for the past 20 days in america..and my first bday here...
Feelings?!!