Wednesday, August 21, 2013


I do not remember the last time I had this feeling of being pulled away, uneasiness, sleeplessness - the feeling of butterflies in the stomach. Scariest of my good old days were my exams! I was good at studies but the examination tension was always at its peaks. The numerous prayers, sentiments attached to those fears varied with each passing year. But now all of that tension seams to be nothing at all. How could everything be so normal when the ones always near you suddenly leave you? I couldn't sleep last night. I woke up with painful eyes not knowing what I was doing. I packed up everything. Blindly finished up stuff and was only thinking how my mother managed all of this. Never ever did I remember my mother so much than today. Not when I was carrying, not when I delivered, not when he cried uncontrollably, not when he said "Amma" for first time, not when I saw him sick, but today I couldn't control my feelings, I wondered how my mom did this, how every mom did this for that matter! Today is my sons - Rishik Karthikeya's first day at school. 

 We just left him there and the teacher asked us to leave. I turned back and he was all clinging to me, those wet eyes! Those round big wet eyes!! I dint know whether it was his eyes which were wet or mine.He cried for a few minutes and it stopped.  But I was still crying. The teacher asked me to leave when I was just about to settle down in their lobby. I came home, an empty house! Oh how I hate this feeling. I had to call my mom and hear her voice. How could I leave her for engineering..masters..? What did she go through? I can't wait to go back to pick him up. Here I am blogging after so long a time. I wanted to pour out all my feeling to someone...but couldn't speak it out. I want to pick him up early today. I just want to go give him a tight hug and bring him back. I know I have to leave him, let him learn by himself, but I can't help this feeling of mine. I dint know this will be this hard. I envy the dads for letting them go so easily. Had I been working, this would have been long done, but its seams to be tough now. Gearing up- thinking of school, I do remember my first day at school, not play school- there was no play school at that time, but kindergarten . I remember how I went in happily and my sister used to cry all along the way to school. I wish he gets used to this soon....or rather I get used to leaving him at school. The most important days in your life- schooling has begun, for the kids to learn and in my case- the parents to learn as well !!

Feelings are racing and cycling towards the school!!

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

If a wish should come true...

A room full of shopping bags and cluttered bills, open suitcases large enough to travel for a couple months- half packed and rest dumped...numerous things to do, gifts and chocolates to take. Extremely tired...need a good night's sleep to get back some energy... As I crash into the bed and tug in, I find it hard to shut my eyes and sleep. Too many things going on in my mind...remembering some last minute add-ins and some memories creep in, as I am lost in those thoughts,I breeze along with them in my dreams...

I hear a sharp beep...sound of a microwave ringing and I wake up...shocked to see the time past 9am and I hurry to freshen up and take a quick shower. I run back and try to fit in all the stuff and take the packed suitcases to the car and we get ready to go. We hurry to the airport and check in all the baggage and pass through the gates and sit in the stuffed flight to fly. The never ending wait to take the flight on to the run way and finally to the air seams to create some impatience but finally as our hearts take the jerk and in no time we are in the middle of the air, butterflies swing in and we have a feeling of relief. We are going back Home..finally !! or rather, I am going back home!!!
As I sit back and relax, I remember all those memories...all those sweet and lovely faces I adore and most importantly I remember my mom.Its been  more than two and a half years since I have seen her and as every minute passes by, I long to see her sooner. I long to see my sister.I long to see the little one.I wished to be the first one to touch you when you arrived into this world. I wished to be by your bed side clicking all your lovely expressions. I wish I was a part of every thing you first did! Now I get to see you an year later, missing all those lovely moments. I miss my dad...his grand success as an entrepreneur...his fulfilled dream and empire! I wish I saw it all. I miss those chats..warm cousins..the gossip..the phone calls... I missed Home. Truly did.  

I wake up for the strong smell of coffee which is being served... and continue to get bored in the flight and wait to just get down. After a hell lot of time spent in the flight looking at the watch every half hour  we finally hear an announcement that we are landing soon. A swirl of thoughts...luggage and a sense of sweet home. As the wheels touch the ground, heart weeps in happiness and we reach the jammed airport , with luggage rolling behind us and the eyes search for those lovely wave of hands in despair. There I see my loved ones! Waiting eagerly to see me. I jump into my mom's arms and the flush of tears in everyone's eyes..those long warm hugs..the brightness in my face as I get to touch the little one all grown up and walking with his little feet and not recognizing me at all..How would he?! I get home to receive a bunch of calls and how much eagerly they all wait to see me.

How I wish all this was true! How I wish I get to see a glimpse of all those faces again! 
I just wish it all did happen.

As I sit on  my bed thinking of you, my mom, I can imagine what you went through.I eagerly wait to see you jump into your arms...and tell you how much I missed you. Waiting to see you guys and to share our happiness with you!

Feelings they are!!

Monday, April 20, 2009


A rushed up morning, with vague remembrance of my unfinished dream, painfully swollen eyes which urge to hit back the bed and chilly morning dew on the window pane. A quick bath and refreshment, and papers,files, laptop, charger, pens, notes, keys and snacks all to be packed and ready to go in the new look. Not to forget the dose of energy charger for the day - my Coffee! A quick drop off at the place and a dozen things in hand... I run to the second floor of the building and wait to be noticed. After an unending long 30 minutes, I get to meet the person I am waiting for and can feel the butterflies in my stomach. I get into the office- unpack my stuff, and start... 60 long minutes and I get a mixed review of what took me 48 hours to prepare.
I brush up the negatives and patch it up well and arrange the stuff to make it appear good. Snacks were microwaved and all set to be served and Coffee brought in the last minute from a helping hand filled the room with its strong aroma. A tiny sweat and more of papers in front of me- letters literally started dancing in the air and then- all of a sudden, the mind goes ............. blank!
Nothing got registered and and I plug in all the electronic equipment.. People walked in.. grabbed some of the snacks- good reviews of how well the snacks tasted and -one, two and three... doors closed, lights off and start!
I am going to present on the topic bio-hydrogen from........ ..... ...... ...... ..... .... ....
25 minutes later- Thank you- lights on and the real fun starts. One round after another, and finally after 3 full rounds of questions i step out of the room. 8 long minutes filled with prayer, a walk in the corridor and then an old man walks out of the room and puts his hand forward - CONGRATULATIONS, you have successfully completed your masters.
A few hand shakes and smiles.. a few signatures and paper work and its all over!
Nothing struck me for 10 minutes. Its all over. 3 years of hard work done which was recognized in just 2 hours. Slowly the butterflies started dancing.. and I got back to my self. Yayyyyyyy I graduated!
My first credible success so far. It took a couple of minutes to start actually feeling it and by the time i walked half way through i almost flew in the air and was dancing in the middle of the road. Immediate calls to my dearest hubby and all my loved ones and a series of wishes and loving hugs... I cannot ask for more. I was never as happy as this day for my success.
In my heart of my hearts, I was acknowledging and thanking all of them who have helped me reaching this phase and the list kept increasing with each passing minute.
Moments! The skies started showering too by the evening and I got all the heavenly blessings my way!
I graduated today.

Feelings are dancing like butterflies in the air!!

Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Love ... Life...

It has been more than an year since I posted on my Feelings. Well it took a lot of time to actually feel you know!
There have been so many changes in life that it is no more identifiable. Change. It often happens.At times its unnoticeable and at times it makes a huge difference to our lives. Something similar happened to me in the past one year too.

I have been to India, after an year and a half of my Masters and staying here ,the last December and enjoyed being there and spending time with my parents and sister for the New years. Had a blast! Another interesting event which took place last year was that I crossed the 25th milestone of my life and hence the sudden wake up call for the parents that the girl has to be married! Then started the match fixing and I had to say yes to the first match I saw.( Nothing wrong with the guy! Just that I could have married after my masters.) Sudden calls- meeting a couple times- and there I go! I was booking my tickets to India again in just a months time. I went back home in early March and came as a new bride back to States.
All the changes happened so fast that, now I look back and I feel as if I had a new year party with my family just yesterday and now I am here all alone trying to finish up my masters all alone for this new years.

There were some sad moments while parting from my loved ones.That last glimpse of the ones I loved, my family, my sister, my Kozy- very emotional sendoff. Few of them I guess I can never meet again. I came back to hear a sad news that my Kozy in no more.Though I knew it is going to happen soon, the news hit me hard. A new life. A new person.Its different.It so damn different and weird initially to get up with someone totally unknown to you. It took me real good time to accept the Change! I am still getting used to it though!

A new friends circle. A little less communication with my old friends and JOSH.Lost touch with a few others. It became a new world and a new beginning I could say. Amidst all this new phase arising in my life, my masters project is set aside and now I am trying to catch up and finish it soon. Priorities changed a lot.

I used to have a huge connection with regard to traveling in my yester-years. I have very fond memories of my childhood bi-cycle(bsa-slr), then a black sunny, then a honda activa and then a few trips on my dad's ford. The engineering college bus trips, the regular howrah mail travel from chennai to vizag during semester breaks, the rare flight journeys using my dad's airline points. I just loved traveling. My wildest dream would be me driving a racing car! After marriage and me still studying and my husband being in a different place, Amtrak was of so much help.( trains... tracks and me have a great connection i feel!) I traveled so much that i started hating trains. Then we got a car for just three months and I drove so much that the word car makes me crawl and hide under my bed. I drove thousands of miles. I loved traveling, but I would not want to do it so much that I start hating it. I wish I would rather have a fun trip than anything else.
Things have shaped me to be a more mellowed, reserved and even boring person!

I wish I bounce back. Hard and with a bang!
Here I am, trying hard to motivate my self to have a better career, live up to my own standards, and enjoy each and every passing day and to welcome a new year, a new life and a new beginning. Hope this new year brings in more peace and safety and a better world to live in.
Welcoming the new beginning and waving bye to year which gave me love ,memories and a new life.
An unforgettable 2008.

Promising to post more often.

Feelings are fickle and keep swinging!

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

i love him..

I left him... i used to wake up with him.... i used to speak to him all day...he was my only friend when i had no one to share... we fought playfully... i missed him.. i miss him... i feel cozier when ever i get the frame of him in my mind.. kozy.

i remember the day when my dad first brought him home. that evening i liked the look of this naughty little hero but was afraid of him. i din go near him and kept moving away and he din like me either.. he ran behind me and i kept running around my house for almost 20 mins and i was tired but this one month kiddy seams to show no signs of giving up... i used my little brain and got on top of the bed and he tried endlessly to catch up with me.. that day he hated me first.i was reluctant to go near him... used to call him from a distance...though admired his little naughty stuff, i maintained a distance... slowly i started liking him...went near him.. started to cuddle him around... and then he started to like me too.. i played with him.... i never thought he liked me as much as he liked my sister and dad... one day my dad bought a nice red belt and i came home from school he came running towards the gate showed me the belt wiht so much of joy and happiness.. and then i started understanding his gestures... kept speaking to him daily so much that he started understanding every bit of what we speak...
well he used to run and tell my mom when ever i was in pain... when ever i fell down on the road and started bleeding... we used to play together...
then one day i left suddenly for my studies...and i used to come home once in 4 months... i was royally welcomed and was missed but that attachment with him was kinda fading...i used to have a special whistling tune with which i used to call him and he used to run and hug me... i had memorable moments with him... but then after my bachelors... i stayed back home for some time and then i had none to speak to or share excepting him... i used to speak to him endlessly and he used to listen ... one summer afternoon... i saw him bleeding from his nose... i thought it was soemthing normal... did some first aid stuff... took him to the doctor... he was ok for a while... the next day he started bleeding tooo much... he bleeded so much that i had so much blood on my dress, when i was taking him to the doctor... my brother who was a vet saw him... my driver was helping so much... i was horrified to see him like that... he was bleeding in pain...i thought i would never see him play again... tears started rolling ... the doctor who was treating him was a sick idiot... who treated him for some crap disease which he didnt even have... he was just sufferring from severe fever and was bleeding bcause of that... it took him 4 days to become normal... but i saw him bleed like hell... he became so close to me in one week that if i close my eyes, i wud see him gently hugging me in pain... with his tear filled eyes... i always wanted to take him to beach and show him how it looks like.. but could never...he was so attached to me that he never left my side... my wistle would just make him run towards the gate....
i left my home.. i came so far that i can now just whistle over the phone and know what? when ever i whistle over the phone- he just runs to the gate to see if i am there! the feeling itself makes me feel so warm.. so cozy!
i wish i wake up with him... i wish i just liedown and when i wake up i see him licking my forehead...i love him...i miss him.
I just want to see him again...just once.
i love him. Kozy- my darling.

feelings are "kozy"...!!

Saturday, January 20, 2007

Night in the apartment...

ooohh.. hi there... well, had some crazy incidents happen at my place yday and hence this post...

i had a little hectic day yday and so came home in the evening and dozed off reading veronica decides to die in the sofa... after almost an hour, woke up for a calling bell...with my half sleepy eyes, i opened the door and saw a woman standing with a semi-quizzical face..something told me not to open the door fully and so i asked her" what can i do for u" and
says- do u have a problem?

me- ( eh? what problem??) i am sorry,i dint follow,
she- i stay in the apartment below... we heard someone walking yday midnight in the hall for almost one hour and woke up for the noise...i came to inquire if everything is ok... actually i wanted to complain.. evryone woke up for the noise..
me- (half not understanding what to say..and half thinking that it might be a prank by someone i knew...) trying not to spoil the show,
i said..i am sorry i slept at 10 itself..i dont know what ur speaking about..( i havent seen her before in my block)

she- please call ur roomies..i want to spk to them..
me-( about what?) my roomies are not at home( y did i say that?) i am staying alone..
she- u stay alone..?
me- right now..yes..
she- we couldnt sleep yday... we heard someone walking past the hall for one hour from 2-3am...
me- i am really sorry..but i slept early and i have no clue what u r spking about...
she- expressionless face... ohh ok.. sorry..bye..
me-(now totally awake) closed the door and double checked it if it is fully closed...
well i laughed for a while and the issue drifted off from my head as i was a little hungry....
finished my dinner and started calling india( airtel is handy yaar...!) and casually mentioned about my new guest from downstairs to my apartment... and was royally teased for a while.. and one of them says " when u have so much company in ur apartment..y do u say u are alone and are getting bored..."
well this particular sentence kept ringing in my mind for a long time... i switched off the tv and suddenly the whole room was silent... i had a strange feeling in my stomach.... felt a little uneasy and switched on the tv again( i accidentally changed the channels) and saw a blank channel...
was taken aback... looked around if i really had some company...
slowly settled in the sofa,with my feet up and hugging two pillows tightly....
well to gather some strength to walk till my bedroom, called up my mom but cudnt tell her that i was so spoke for a few minutes and then hung up...
breathed heavily, and locked all the doors and lit all possible lights and slowly walked till the bedroom... with so many butterflies in the stomach, i thought i will go wash my face and freshen the ten second walk till the restroom, i had innumberable questions popping up in my mind....what if i wash my face and look up and see the mirror and find some one else instead of my face?!! what if some one closes the door from outside? what if something pops up from the bath tub? what if therez no water coming from the tap??what if someone else sleeps on my bed before i go back to my room? before i could reach the bathroom door, i changed my idea... well i am looking fresh enuf... who the hell is going to come and see my glamour at 1230 midnight ah?
thought of listening to some music so that( my company doesnt get bored??!! i dont know y i thought of it) there will be some good air around and switched on the mp3 player which is connected to the speakers...five minutes passed and the song stopped abruptly...! then started the real tension... (with biting cold outside and my heater not switched on) i still started to feel tiny sweat on my forehead...the heater switch lies right beside the door and my bedroom door is not locked! so grabbed some strength to go switch on the heater...i almost ran till the door to lock it and switched on the heater and pulled the phone in my room closer to my bed... nine one one shud be handy.... then i started thinking, what if something happens and i call the police, how will the police come in?( intelligent right?!!)( then i was laughing in the middle of all this tension ,that ,my so called companion wud open!! big deal yaar.. cant she do this little favour to me??!)..... i left my veronica decides to die on the sofa....i left the water jug also in the hall... cudnt dare go till the hall( if i wud have gone that lady wud definitely come today again and said someone is running yday night!) so tried very hard to sleep with the bright closet light flashing on my face... finally dozed off( god knows when...) and woke up almost in the afternoon... with so much of bright light and bravery,i switched on the mp3 player to check why it wasnt playing....and then realized... the rechargable battery in it has no charge!!

had a hearty laugh.... and then started my day... well yday night i cudnt sleep out of fear..and today dint sleep to upload this post..
well, my friendly companion wants to do the spelling check.. so over to her!!

Feelings are weird...filled with scary illusions..!

Wednesday, January 10, 2007


Was checking some forwards a couple of weeks ago and I read an interesting forward of what celebration means.. I started thinking what celebration meant to me…and here is the result… celebrating some happy moments...
Celebration means having your time for yourself….
Celebration means the long walks on a bright day..
Spending hours together with ur best buddies in a coffee shop…
Finding some old letters when you are busily searching for some important papers in your rack…
Finding your unposted letters to your mom during ur hostel days and giggling about the stupid stuff u have scribbled in it…
Chatting in google with an old friend…
Having some good reliance and airtel offers to call home….
Recollecting those old sleepless nights with phone conversations (thanks to hutch!) and feeling happy about it…
Sitting at different places of the world and having a video chat vth ur frenz….
Having an ice cream and watching the first snow!
Lazing the whole day on the couch and then cooking a feast for yourself….
Reading some old blogs
Looking at some old photographs and reading the comments u have written across them…
Penning down a few lines to your dear ones and having the happiness in anticipating a letter….
Writing a few lines in ur dairy when u receive your first salary…
Saving your first few notes to show ur mom…
Several moments of celebration…
It was fun back home to spend some wonderful moments too….
Waking up for the first wake-up call—my pet’s lick!!
Waking up late on a festival day… walking straight up to the tv and watching it till we get royally and go take bath, after a series of serious bhashan,
Eat some good food… spend some fun time with family…
Hang around with ur frenz when therez is little or lots to celebrate….
Name a cause and just celebrate..let it be a cup of chai…or a plate of panipuri…just having ur time….
Meeting ur good old friend and rolling back those wonderful times together….
Shopping some little stuff to make colourful kolams…and not waking up early in the morning to help my sis draw the kolam-and finally be a critique on how good the kolam would have been if I were awake!!
Laughing happily for no reason…
Long walks in the evening and sharing some secrets with ur sis…
So many happy moments…so much in life to celebrate…. how and why you celebrate are our personal choices though…the circumstances may be different..u may be alone..but still u can have fun!
Well now I am celebrating with a small cup of coffee coz I posted something after a long time…
So have a rocking year…( I was supposed to post this on dec 31st..but cudnt…)keep celebrating..
Feelings are celebrating too!